Let’s talk about entitlement in relationships—not the kind where someone demands special treatment or acts like the world owes them something. No, I’m talking about a healthy sense of entitlement, where you believe you deserve respect, fair treatment, and the chance to thrive. This kind of entitlement is about knowing your worth and standing up for it. It’s what keeps us from being taken advantage of, ignored, or undervalued. It’s also what helps us set boundaries, speak up for ourselves, and expect fair treatment in both our personal and professional lives. In relationships where there is mutual respect and authenticity, this kind of healthy entitlement is the foundation.
Healthy Entitlement: A Capacity of the Authentic Self
When you have a healthy sense of entitlement, you’re less likely to find yourself in situations where you feel overlooked or exploited. You know when something isn’t right—when your contributions aren’t being valued or your needs are being ignored. And because you recognize this, you’re more likely to speak up, ask for what you need, or make changes to ensure your needs are met. Without this sense of entitlement, you might find yourself in what I call a “closed relationship system.” This is where you struggle to open up and let others know what you think, need and will tolerate. And as a result, your efforts go unnoticed, your needs are sidelined, and your sense of value gets chipped away.
Healthy entitlement is so important in relationships because it builds a sense of self-worth and mutual respect. When you know you are entitled to respect, love, and support, you’re more likely to stand up for your needs and set those all-important boundaries. This creates a more balanced dynamic where both people feel valued, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. In an “open relationship system,” respect and understanding flow freely between people, and both parties feel safe and accepted.
What Happens When You Don’t Feel Entitled?
But what if you don’t feel this sense of entitlement? Maybe deep down, you believe you don’t deserve to express your needs, desires, or set boundaries. This often comes from a place of feeling unlovable or like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. When you feel like this, you might believe you’re not deserving of more. You might avoid asserting your needs or setting boundaries because you’re afraid that doing so will just confirm your fears of being unworthy. You might think, “If I just keep giving, keep doing more, they’ll keep me around.” This way of thinking only strengthens the cycle of feeling undervalued and stuck in a closed relationship system.
Signs You Might Be Lacking a Healthy Sense of Entitlement
If you’re finding yourself constantly over-giving or feeling drained in your relationships, you might be lacking a sense of healthy entitlement. Here are some signs to watch for:
- Undervaluing Yourself: You feel like you’re less deserving of love, respect, and care than others. You might put up with mistreatment, neglect your own needs, or always put others first. You struggle to assert boundaries or speak up for what you need, worried you’ll come across as demanding.
- Hesitating to Speak Up: You feel reluctant to advocate for yourself or go after what you want because you don’t think you deserve it. This can build resentment over time, as your needs remain unmet, and you feel stuck in a pattern of self-denial.
- Struggling to Accept Compliments: When someone praises or compliments you, do you find yourself downplaying it or feeling uncomfortable? This might be because you don’t really believe you’re worthy of praise, which only reinforces a negative self-image and creates an imbalance in your relationships.
- Over-Accommodating Others: You might find yourself constantly prioritizing others’ needs over your own, believing they deserve more attention or resources. This can lead to burnout and feeling unappreciated, creating tension in relationships.
- Afraid of Burdening Others: Do you avoid asking for help or support because you’re afraid it’s too much to ask? This often comes from a place of feeling undeserving and can leave you struggling alone, missing out on the support you need.
- Setting Low Expectations: When you feel undeserving, you might inflate the importance of what little recognition you receive. You might overly praise others for minimal gestures while downplaying your own contributions, leading to feeling undervalued and overlooked.
The Impact of Not Feeling Entitled
Having a healthy sense of entitlement is crucial for maintaining self-worth and integrity in relationships. It’s about confidently knowing that you deserve the same love, respect, and acceptance as anyone else. This mindset not only boosts your own well-being but also fosters healthier, more balanced relationships. By valuing yourself appropriately, you set a standard for how others should treat you, reducing the chances of being devalued or overlooked.
When you don’t have a healthy sense of entitlement, it can seriously impact your self-esteem and self-worth. If you’ve internalized the belief that you don’t deserve respect, love, or recognition, you’re likely to feel inadequate and “less than” others. This diminished self-worth can affect every part of your life—from your personal relationships to your career—making you feel like you don’t deserve success or happiness.
In relationships, lacking a sense of entitlement can lead to unhealthy dynamics where you constantly put others’ needs above your own. This self-neglect can result in feelings of resentment, burnout, and emotional exhaustion. If you don’t feel entitled to express your needs and set boundaries, you might find yourself being taken for granted, overlooked, or mistreated. Over time, this erodes your sense of self and well-being, making it hard to form and maintain healthy, reciprocal relationships.
How to Build Healthy Entitlement
So, how do you start building a healthy sense of entitlement? It begins with shifting how you see yourself and your inherent worth. It means challenging those negative stories you tell yourself about not being good enough or deserving enough. These automatic thoughts often keep your self-esteem low and make it hard for you to advocate for yourself. By recognizing these patterns and replacing them with more positive, empowered beliefs, you can start to develop a healthier sense of entitlement.
Here are some strategies to help you build healthy entitlement and move towards more open, fulfilling relationships:
- Recognize Your Worth: Start by acknowledging that your needs, feelings, and desires are just as important as anyone else’s. Practice self-affirmation and remind yourself regularly that you deserve love, respect, and support.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Learn to say “no” without feeling guilty. Understand that setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and helps maintain healthy relationships. It’s okay to prioritize your own needs.
- Practice Self-Advocacy: Speak up for yourself and what you need. Whether it’s in a personal or professional setting, don’t be afraid to assert your rights and express your needs.
- Challenge Negative Thoughts: When you catch yourself thinking you don’t deserve something, pause and challenge that thought. Ask yourself where it’s coming from and if it’s truly valid. Replace it with a more empowering belief.
- Seek Supportive Relationships: Surround yourself with people who respect and support your boundaries. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, not one-sided efforts. Find people who encourage you to be your authentic self.
- Embrace Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that everyone struggles with feelings of inadequacy from time to time. Practice self-compassion and treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend.
Moving Forward with Confidence
By building a healthy sense of entitlement, you can start to break free from old patterns of undervaluing yourself and move towards a life filled with respect, love, and support. It’s a journey that requires self-awareness, patience, and practice, but the rewards are well worth it. You’ll find that as you start valuing yourself more, your relationships will become more balanced, fulfilling, and authentic.
So, what do you think? Are you ready to embrace a healthier sense of entitlement in your life and relationships? Remember, it’s not about demanding more than you deserve—it’s about recognizing that you are entitled to be treated with the same respect and kindness you offer others.
Want to get started on building healthy entitlement? Pick up your copy of Become Who You Are Meant to Be in Relationships on October 15th, 2024.
Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist, Author, Leadership Coach
Feel free to share your thoughts, experiences, or questions.
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