We’ve all heard the term “people-pleasing,” often thrown around as if it’s just a sign of being overly nice or too eager to help. But let’s dig a little deeper because people-pleasing isn’t just about being kind—it’s actually a self-protective strategy that puts you in a position of power in your relationships. Yes, you heard that right. People-pleasing, at its core, is about control.
When you adopt a people-pleasing persona, you’re not just being helpful; you’re stepping into a role that pretends you have no needs, that you don’t require help, and that your sole purpose is to serve others. It might look like you’re bending over backward to make everyone else happy, but what’s really happening is that you’re taking control of the relationship dynamic in a subtle yet powerful way.
Pretending You Have No Needs
Let’s start with the first part—pretending you have no needs. People-pleasers often convince themselves (and others) that they’re perfectly fine, that they don’t need anything from anyone. On the surface, this might seem noble or selfless, but underneath it, there’s a different story. By pretending you have no needs, you’re essentially putting up a shield. You don’t ask for help, you don’t show vulnerability, and you certainly don’t let anyone see your struggles.
Why? Because asking for help means admitting you’re not perfect, and for a people-pleaser, that’s terrifying. So instead, you keep your guard up, thinking that if you don’t need anything, you can’t be let down or disappointed by others. But the truth is, denying your own needs doesn’t make them disappear—it just buries them deeper, where they fester and grow into resentment or burnout.
The Illusion of Strength
People-pleasers also create the illusion that they don’t need help, which further reinforces the idea that they’re the strong ones in the relationship. Think about it—if you’re always the one offering help and never the one asking for it, you put yourself in a position of perceived strength. You’re the reliable one, the one everyone turns to, the one who has it all together. But this is just a facade.
Underneath the surface, there’s often a fear of being seen as weak or vulnerable. People-pleasers worry that if they admit they need help, others might see them differently—maybe even think less of them. So, they maintain this image of invincibility, always there to serve but never to be served.
Serving to Control
Now, let’s talk about the idea of being there to serve. On the surface, this seems like a positive trait—after all, what’s wrong with wanting to help others? But when helping becomes a way to control the relationship, it’s no longer about kindness; it’s about maintaining a sense of power.
By constantly putting others’ needs first and ignoring your own, you create a dynamic where you’re indispensable. People rely on you, and that gives you a certain level of control in the relationship. It might not be overt, but it’s there. You’re the one who’s always giving, which subtly positions you as the one in charge. But this comes at a cost.
When you’re always the one giving, you’re not allowing others to give back to you. You’re not letting them into your world, not letting them see who you really are. It creates a barrier to true intimacy and connection because you’re not showing up as your full, authentic self. You’re playing a role, and while it might feel safe, it’s not sustainable.
The Cost of Control
The price of maintaining this control through people-pleasing is high. Over time, it leads to exhaustion, resentment, and a deep sense of unfulfillment. You’re always putting on a mask, pretending everything is fine, when in reality, you’re longing for someone to see through the facade and offer you the support you so desperately need.
But here’s the thing: real strength doesn’t come from pretending you don’t have needs. It comes from acknowledging those needs, being honest about them, and allowing others to be there for you. It’s about stepping out of the people-pleasing role and into a place of authenticity and mutual respect.
Breaking Free
Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t easy—it requires courage to face the fears that keep you stuck in that role. It means being willing to show up as your true self, with all your imperfections and vulnerabilities. It means letting go of the need to control and allowing yourself to be seen and supported by others.
In the end, the relationships that matter most are the ones built on authenticity, not on power plays. So, take a step back, reflect on where you might be using people-pleasing as a form of control, and consider what it would look like to show up as your real self in your relationships. You might be surprised at how much deeper and more fulfilling your connections become when you do.
Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist, Author, Leadership Coach
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