The Stories We Tell Ourselves: How Limiting Beliefs Shape Our Self Worth
We all have stories we tell ourselves—narratives that play out in our minds, shaping how we see ourselves, others, and the world around us. These stories are powerful because they often operate under the radar, subtly influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without us even realizing it. One of the most common and damaging types of stories is the one that convinces us we’re undeserving.
“I don’t deserve this.”
“I shouldn’t ask for more.”
“I haven’t earned it.”
Sound familiar? These are just a few of the ways we might tell ourselves we’re not worthy of more—whether it’s love, success, recognition, or even a simple break. But where do these stories come from, and how can we start rewriting them to reflect a healthier, more empowered self self-worth?
Understanding the “I Don’t Deserve” Story
At its core, the “I don’t deserve” narrative is rooted in limiting beliefs—those deeply ingrained assumptions we hold about ourselves and our place in the world. These beliefs can stem from various sources: cultural norms, family dynamics, past experiences, or societal expectations. Over time, these beliefs can become so entrenched in our psyche that we start to accept them as absolute truths, even when they’re not.
For example, you might think, “I don’t deserve to go out with friends tonight. I’ve been out twice this week, and my partner will be upset if I’m not around to make dinner.” Or, “I can’t possibly take a vacation; I haven’t earned it.” These thoughts may seem rational on the surface, but when we dig deeper, we often find they’re based on assumptions and fears rather than facts.
How These Stories Hold Us Back
The stories we tell ourselves about being undeserving can have a profound impact on our lives. They can lead us to:
- Avoid Pursuing Opportunities: If we believe we’re not deserving of success, we might avoid applying for a promotion, starting a new project, or seeking out new opportunities.
- Neglect Self-Care: If we think we haven’t “earned” a break, we may push ourselves to the point of burnout, ignoring our need for rest and relaxation.
- Stay Silent in Relationships: If we feel undeserving of love or respect, we may stay quiet about our needs or accept treatment that doesn’t align with our true worth.
- Limit Personal Growth: When we internalize these limiting beliefs, we often avoid stepping out of our comfort zones, which hinders our growth and potential.
Identifying the Stories We Tell Ourselves
The first step to changing these limiting narratives is to identify them. Start by reflecting on moments when you felt undeserving or held yourself back from pursuing something you wanted. What were the stories you told yourself in those moments?
For example, did you think, “I shouldn’t speak up in this meeting; my ideas aren’t good enough,” or “I can’t ask for a raise; I’m not that valuable to the team”? Write these down in a journal and take a closer look at them. Are these thoughts based on facts, or are they simply assumptions you’ve made over time?
Challenging the “I Don’t Deserve” Narrative
Once you’ve identified these stories, the next step is to challenge them. Ask yourself:
- Is this story really true? Consider whether the narrative you’re telling yourself is based on reality or if it’s a reflection of your fears and insecurities.
- What evidence do I have to support or refute this belief? Look for facts that either confirm or contradict the story. Often, you’ll find that the evidence doesn’t support the limiting belief.
- What’s a more empowering story I could tell myself? Replace the limiting belief with a more positive, empowering statement. Instead of “I don’t deserve a break,” try “I’ve been working hard, and taking time to recharge is essential for my well-being.”
Rewriting Your Story: A Reflective Practice
To begin rewriting your story, consider the following reflective practice:
- Identify Your “I Don’t Deserve” Stories: Reflect on recent situations where you felt undeserving. Write down these instances in your journal and deconstruct the events. What thoughts and feelings were present at the time? What justification did you use for not asserting yourself?
- Challenge the Stories: Ask yourself, “Is this truly accurate?” or “What if this isn’t true?” For example, if you think, “I can’t take a vacation; I haven’t earned it,” challenge that belief by asking, “What if I have earned it?” and “What would taking a vacation mean for my mental health and productivity?”
- Replace with Empowering Truths: Create new, empowering narratives that affirm your worth and entitlement. For instance, “I deserve to rest and recharge because it helps me be my best self,” or “My ideas are valuable, and I have every right to share them.”
- Practice Consistency: Rewriting your story isn’t a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process. Regularly practice challenging your limiting beliefs and reinforcing new, positive ones. Over time, these new stories will become the default narratives that guide your thoughts and actions.
The Impact of Rewriting Your Story
By identifying and challenging the “I don’t deserve” stories, you begin to dismantle the false narratives that undermine a healthy sense of entitlement. This process allows you to replace these limiting beliefs with empowering truths about your worth, capabilities, and right to pursue happiness and success. As you rewrite your story, you’ll find yourself more willing to step out of your comfort zone, assert your needs, and embrace opportunities for growth and fulfillment.
Remember, the stories we tell ourselves shape our reality. By choosing to rewrite these stories with more positive, empowering narratives, we take control of our lives and open ourselves up to a world of possibilities. You deserve to live a life that reflects your true worth—start telling yourself that today.
What’s a story you’ve been telling yourself that you’re ready to change? Share it in the comments below and let’s support each other in rewriting our narratives!
Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist, Author, Leadership Coach
Feel free to share your thoughts, experiences, or questions.
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