The Hidden Dance Between Covert Narcissists and Their Narcissistic Partners
Ever wondered who’s really using who in a relationship between two narcissists when the best both people can do is have a codependent relationship? On the surface, it seems like the overt narcissist—the one who craves attention, admiration, and control—is running the show. But what about the covert narcissist? The one who quietly stands in the shadows, supporting their partner while secretly believing they’re the true power behind the throne? It’s a complicated dance of control and dependency, and it might surprise you who’s actually more dependent.
Covert narcissists don’t often get the spotlight. They’re the ones who seem humble, supportive, and selfless, but they know something their overt partner doesn’t: without them, the grandiose narcissist wouldn’t be nearly as “great” as they think they are. But what do covert narcissists really get out of these relationships?
Here are the five hidden rewards they receive.
1. Feeling Indispensable
For covert narcissists, the real thrill comes from feeling like the unsung hero. They might not be the one getting all the applause, but they know deep down that their overt partner couldn’t shine so brightly without them. This sense of being indispensable feeds their need for validation and importance, even if it’s not openly recognized by others.
2. Subtle Control
While the overt narcissist might be loud and demanding, the covert narcissist has their own way of maintaining control. Through quiet influence—making decisions behind the scenes, handling the day-to-day details—they keep things running according to their plan. This gives them a sense of power that the overt narcissist is often too self-absorbed to notice. It’s a quieter, more subtle form of dominance, but it’s control all the same.
3. Avoiding the Spotlight
One of the perks of being in the shadow of a more overt narcissist is that the covert narcissist avoids direct scrutiny. The overt narcissist’s big personality often overshadows any flaws or manipulative behaviors of the covert narcissist. This allows the covert partner to keep their own insecurities and motives hidden, flying under the radar while still pulling the strings.
4. Feeding Their Own Narcissistic Needs
Just like their overt partner, covert narcissists need their own kind of validation. They find it in their role as the “supportive” partner. By seeing themselves as more giving, more patient, or more self-sacrificing, they get a different kind of narcissistic supply. They convince themselves they’re better or more virtuous, which satisfies their own hidden need for superiority.
5. Playing the Martyr
Covert narcissists often cast themselves as the martyr in the relationship. They see themselves as sacrificing their own happiness for the sake of their partner, enduring hardship with a quiet dignity. This narrative not only justifies their behavior but also makes them feel morally superior. In their eyes, they’re the ones who are really suffering, making them the “better” person in the relationship.
The Complicated Dance of Power and Dependency
So, who’s really in control in a relationship between a covert and overt narcissist? It’s not as clear-cut as it seems. While the overt narcissist might appear to have the upper hand, the covert narcissist is quietly wielding their own power behind the scenes. Both partners are using each other to meet their needs, creating a cycle of dependency and control that’s hard to break.
Understanding these hidden dynamics can help shed light on the deeper issues at play in these relationships and show just how much power the covert narcissist really holds. So, the next time you see this kind of relationship, remember there’s more going on than meets the eye. It’s a complex dance, and both partners know the steps all too well.
Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist, Author, Leadership Coach
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