Years ago, when my husband casually remarked that I “should” like more variety in my food choices, I couldn’t help but ask, “Where did that idea come from?” His response was, “I don’t know. You just should.” That’s when I half-jokingly replied, “Is there a big giant book of shoulds somewhere that I don’t know about?” And just like that, the “Big Giant Book of Shoulds” was born.
Since then, we’ve been adding to this imaginary book, pointing out the various “shoulds” that creep into our lives. It has become a tool we use with clients and others to highlight how these “shoulds” represent an internalized set of rules, expectations, and standards that dictate how we believe we and others should behave, often without any factual basis.
“Shoulds” are subjective beliefs that produce unbearable guilt that prevents us from continuing to choose our own path and instead lead us to conform to what others think we should do. These “shoulds” are shaped by our individual experiences, cultural backgrounds, upbringing, and personal beliefs. Each of us has a collection of “should” statements that usually go unexamined but significantly influence our behavior and self-perception. These “shoulds” can span various areas, including personal achievements, appearance, relationship behaviors, professional conduct, and even emotional responses.
Imposter Syndrome is Fueled by “Shoulds”
A significant contributor to the Imposter Syndrome is the pervasive presence of “shoulds”—internalized rules and expectations that dictate how we believe we ought to behave and perform. These “shoulds” create a rigid framework of unrealistic standards and ideals that fuel self-doubt and insecurity. When individuals constantly measure themselves against these unattainable “shoulds,” they feel they are falling short, reinforcing the belief that they are not as competent or deserving as others perceive them to be.
These “shoulds” are deeply ingrained, stemming from a variety of sources such as cultural norms, upbringing, societal expectations, and personal beliefs. For instance, someone might believe they “should” always be perfect, “should” never make mistakes, or “should” know everything in their field. These expectations are not only unrealistic but also relentless, creating a never-ending cycle of striving and self-criticism. As a result, individuals with Imposter Syndrome are trapped in a constant state of anxiety and inadequacy, always feeling that they are not living up to these self-imposed standards and fearing that their perceived incompetence will be discovered.
Our Brain “Should-naps” Us
“Should-napping” occurs when our brain hijacks us, convincing us that we should be agreeing with or doing something we don’t truly want to do. This mental hijacking is deeply embedded in the neural pathways of the brain, leading us to react from our Imposter Persona—doing what we tell ourselves we “should” do rather than what aligns with our genuine wishes and needs. This response is rooted in the brain’s fear mechanism, which is designed to protect us from perceived threats but often overreacts in non-threatening situations.
When faced with a “should,” the brain’s fear response engages the amygdala—the part of the brain responsible for processing emotions, particularly fear and anxiety. This triggers the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, preparing the body for a fight-or-flight response. In the context of “should-napping,” this heightened state of alertness leads us to conform to internalized expectations to avoid potential conflict, rejection, or failure. As a result, we ignore our authentic desires and comply with these “shoulds” to mitigate the fear of negative outcomes.
The Big Giant Book of Shoulds
Here is a list of 25 “shoulds” commonly connected to Imposter Syndrome to be aware of so that you don’t get “should-napped”:
- I should always know the answer.
- I should never make mistakes.
- I should be able to handle everything on my own.
- I should never need help from others.
- I should always be successful.
- I should always be productive.
- I should never show weakness.
- I should always be perfect.
- I should never fail.
- I should be able to do it all.
- I should always be confident.
- I should never have doubts.
- I should always be in control.
- I should never feel overwhelmed.
- I should always meet everyone’s expectations.
- I should never ask for help.
- I should always appear competent.
- I should never show vulnerability.
- I should always excel at everything I do.
- I should always have it together.
- I should never take a break.
- I should always be the best.
- I should never struggle.
- I should always be perfect in my role.
- I should never feel insecure.
From Imposter to Authentic, from Should to Choice
Recognizing when you’re being “should-napped” is the first step towards reclaiming your autonomy and making choices that align with your authentic self. When you start feeling the pressure of “shoulds,” take a moment to question their validity and origin. Are these “shoulds” coming from societal norms, familial expectations, or personal insecurities? Ask yourself if they truly serve your well-being and goals. By doing this, you can gradually free yourself from their grip.
This reflective practice helps you rewire your neural pathways, reducing the automatic fear response that “shoulds” trigger. It’s about fostering a mindset that prioritizes your genuine needs and values. Think of it as a way to shift your perspective from external pressures to what genuinely matters to you.
Ultimately, the goal is to liberate yourself from the constraints of the “big giant book of shoulds” that fuels your Imposter Persona and disconnects you from your Authentic Self. If you’re struggling to break free from these “shoulds” and the guilt they create, consider picking up a copy of “Become Who You Are Meant to Be in Your Personal Life.” This book has everything you need to train your brain to make the shift from “I should” to “I choose,” helping you live a life that’s true to yourself.
SEND US YOUR SHOULDS!
We need your help! We’re compiling the “Big Giant Book of Shoulds,” and we want to hear from you. What are your “shoulds”? What are those expectations and pressures you feel, whether they’re about personal achievements, how you look, how you act, or anything else? Send them over to us on Instagram, and we’ll add them to our book.
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