The Drain of Needless Defensiveness
Have you ever asked someone a simple question like, “How is your project coming along?” or made a straightforward statement like, “Don’t forget to water the garden today,” only to be met with a dramatic saga of excuses or even gaslighting? Exhausting, isn’t it?
These interactions can turn a quick check-in or a simple reminder into a draining ordeal, sucking the energy right out of you. Being on the receiving end of someone’s need to over-explain or defend themselves instead of just answering a question or responding with a simple “thanks for the reminder” is like being drained by an energy vampire.
Picture this: “How’s the project going?” suddenly morphs into a detailed rundown of why it’s not their fault the deadline will be missed, complete with a lament about the horrible expectations everyone has of them. Suddenly, you’re not just asking for an update; you’re playing therapist, offering reassurance and trying to calm them down. It’s like being caught in a storm you didn’t see coming.
The Energy Drain of Needless Drama
I once asked a colleague about a report, and it led to a lengthy explanation involving multiple departments, none of which answered my question. What should have been a two-minute conversation turned into a 20-minute ordeal. It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack of words.
Emotions are contagious. When someone responds with defensiveness or demands empathy and support, it’s hard not to absorb some of that energy. If you’re like most people, you’ve probably left some conversations feeling like you just survived a personal trauma simply because of the other person’s agitation, drama, and defensiveness. I know I have. Not to mention how mentally taxing it is to keep track of all the reasons and justifications. It’s like trying to follow a plot twist in a complicated novel when all you wanted was a summary.
Practical Strategies for Managing Defensiveness
Everyone is defensive sometimes. It’s normal to get triggered when there is a real or perceived attack. However, when someone is habitually defensive when there is no attack, it’s a sign they are living from their Imposter Persona instead of their Authentic Self. A simple statement, question, or difference of opinion becomes something to be rationalized, defended against, or taken issue with.
Here’s how to navigate this without getting caught in the drama:
Stay Grounded and Non-Defensive
When you recognize someone else is being defensive, ground yourself in the moment and find an opening to get back to your question. Instead of playing into their defensiveness, calmly steer the conversation toward a constructive solution.
Example of Non-Defensive Communication
Imagine you say, “We’re out of butter,” and the response you get is, “I can’t believe you’ve gone through all the butter already. I just bought some. Why do you use so much when you cook? It’s expensive, you know. We should use margarine. It’s cheaper. I work really hard to help us get ahead, and you use things without even thinking about me.”
Instead of getting sucked into the defensive storm, you could simply say, “I appreciate all you do for us. Please put butter on your grocery list.” You don’t have to stop eating butter. Just because someone baits you doesn’t mean you have to bite!
Managing Your Energy
Dealing with people’s defensiveness can indeed be a significant drain on our energy. It turns simple interactions into complex and emotionally charged exchanges. By staying grounded and nonreactive, you can reduce the emotional toll and maintain more productive and positive interactions. Remember, the goal is not to change the other person but to manage your responses and maintain your energy and effectiveness.
Practicing mindfulness and non-defensive communication can transform your interactions. You don’t have to be or be a victim of an energy vampire. If you’re looking for some practices to help you ward off reactive defensiveness, “Become Who You Are Meant to Be in Your Personal Life” has 30 different mindfulness and cognitive behavior exercises to help train your brain to let go of automatic defensive behaviors and the self-limiting beliefs and stories that cause them.
So, next time an energy vampire strikes, remember to stay grounded, stay calm, and keep your butter.
Want more tips, check out my new book, Become Who You Are Meant to Be in Your Personal Life available on Amazon.com.
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