Have you ever found yourself feeling like you don’t deserve to ask for what you need in your relationships or at work? Maybe you’ve held back from speaking up, setting boundaries, or asking for support because something inside tells you it’s not your place. This sense of unworthiness might not just stem from low self-esteem; it could be influenced by unconscious biases you’ve internalized over time.
Biases are those hidden tendencies or inclinations that affect our judgments and behaviors, often without us realizing it. These biases can manifest as preconceived notions about what roles we “should” play or how we “should” behave, typically based on stereotypes or incomplete information. Unfortunately, these biases can lead to a lack of healthy entitlement—the belief that we deserve respect, kindness, and the right to express our needs without guilt.
Let’s explore some common biases that can contribute to a lack of entitlement and how recognizing and challenging these biases can help us reclaim our sense of worth and build healthier, more balanced relationships.
1. Gender Role Bias
Gender role bias involves the traditional expectations placed on individuals based on their gender. For example, women are often expected to be nurturing, self-sacrificing, and accommodating, while men might be expected to be dominant, assertive, and emotionally restrained.
This bias can make people feel guilty or selfish for asserting their needs or setting boundaries, especially if these actions are seen as going against their “expected” role. A woman may feel she’s being “too demanding” if she asks for a raise or sets limits at work, while a man might feel weak or unmanly for expressing vulnerability or needing support.
How to Overcome It:
Challenge these stereotypes by recognizing that everyone has a right to express their needs and feelings, regardless of gender. Practice self-advocacy and encourage open discussions about breaking down gender norms both in personal and professional settings.
2. The Martyr Bias
The martyr bias is the belief that one’s value comes from sacrificing oneself for others. This bias often stems from cultural or familial teachings that glorify selflessness to the point where personal needs are entirely neglected.
People who internalize this bias may feel guilty for taking time for themselves, setting boundaries, or asking for help. They might believe that their worth is tied to how much they give to others, leading them to overlook their own needs and desires.
How to Overcome It:
Recognize that self-care is not selfish—it’s essential. Practice setting small boundaries and gradually increase them and remind yourself that taking care of your own needs allows you to be more present and effective in helping others.
3. The “Should” Bias
The “should” bias involves rigid expectations about how we “should” behave based on societal norms, upbringing, or personal beliefs. This might include thoughts like “I should always be available to help others” or “I should never prioritize my needs.” I call this “should-napping.”
When we are guided by “shoulds,” we may neglect our own needs, believing that prioritizing ourselves goes against what is expected. This bias can make it hard to advocate for ourselves, leading to burnout and resentment.
How to Overcome It:
Challenge the “shoulds” by asking yourself where these beliefs come from and whether they truly serve you. Replace “should” with more empowering language, like “I choose to…” or “I want to…,” which reflects a conscious, self-directed decision.
4. The People-Pleaser Bias
The people-pleaser bias is the tendency to seek approval and validation from others by constantly putting their needs above your own. This bias often comes from a fear of rejection or a desire to be liked and accepted.
People-pleasers may struggle to assert their needs or set boundaries, fearing that doing so might lead to conflict, disapproval, or rejection. This can result in a constant cycle of over-giving and under-receiving, where one’s own needs are consistently neglected.
How to Overcome It:
Recognize that you cannot please everyone, and it’s not your responsibility to do so. Practice saying “no” in low-stakes situations to build confidence and remind yourself that your needs are just as important as others’.
5. The Inferiority Bias
The inferiority bias is the belief that you are less deserving, capable, or worthy than others. This bias often stems from past experiences of criticism, failure, or a lack of validation, leading to a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy.
When you feel inferior, you might believe you don’t deserve to express your needs or ask for what you want. This can lead to self-sabotage, settling for less, and staying silent in situations where you should speak up.
How to Overcome It:
Work on building self-confidence by acknowledging your achievements, strengths, and qualities. Practice positive self-talk and surround yourself with supportive people who value and respect you. Reflect on past successes to counteract feelings of inferiority.
Reclaiming Your Sense of Entitlement
Overcoming these biases requires self-awareness and a willingness to challenge long-held beliefs. By recognizing and addressing these biases, you can begin to reclaim your sense of entitlement and build healthier, more balanced relationships. Remember, healthy entitlement isn’t about thinking you’re better than others—it’s about knowing you’re just as deserving of love, respect, and fairness.
If you’re struggling and want to develop healthy entitlement, consider exploring “Become Who You Are Meant to Be” Therapeutic Coaching. It’s time to move beyond people-pleasing and towards a life of fulfillment and growth.
Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist, Author, Leadership Coach
Feel free to share your thoughts, experiences, or questions.
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