How Therapeutic Coaching Helps Shift from Submitting, Caretaking and Self-Neglect
In my work as a therapeutic relationship coach, I’ve seen time and time again how certain behaviors keep people trapped in unhealthy, codependent relationships. These behaviors—submitting, caretaking, and self-neglect—are what I call the “Self-Sacrifice Set.” On the surface, these actions might look like love, support, or selfless sacrifice. However, beneath this facade, they can deeply undermine self-worth and sabotage relationships. Let me share some insights from my practice on how these patterns play out and how therapeutic coaching can help break free from them.
Recognizing the Self-Sacrifice Set
In my sessions, I often encounter clients who struggle with the Self-Sacrifice Set:
- Submitting: This behavior involves constantly putting a partner’s needs above one’s own. I’ve worked with clients like Maria, who thought she was being a good partner by always deferring to her boyfriend’s preferences, even when they clashed with her own. What began as small compromises became a habitual pattern where Maria felt guilty for wanting anything different. Over time, this eroded her sense of self-worth, making her feel invisible in her own relationship.
- Caretaking: This behavior is often mistaken for nurturing. Take, for instance, John, another client who would always step in to solve his partner’s problems, believing he was providing support. However, this excessive caretaking was more about control and fear of abandonment. John feared that if he didn’t take care of everything, his partner might leave him. This mindset led to emotional exhaustion and resentment because his needs were continually unmet.
- Self-Neglect: This is a common issue among those caught in codependent relationships. Clients like Lisa often focus so much on their partner’s needs that they neglect their own well-being. Lisa’s energy was so consumed by making sure her partner was happy that she forgot about her own hobbies, friendships, and even basic self-care. This led to a gradual loss of identity and low self-esteem, confusing self-neglect with selflessness.
While these behaviors might seem selfless on the surface, they often mask a deeper need to control the relationship dynamic by making others dependent on them. This prevents genuine intimacy and keeps relationships off-balance. Over time, the Self-Sacrifice Set can create a loop of unmet needs, burnout, and emotional exhaustion, making genuine connection nearly impossible.
The Imposter Persona at Work
These behaviors are often driven by what I call the “Imposter Persona”—a mask we wear to shield ourselves from feelings of unworthiness or the fear of being unlovable. Clients frequently tell me how they feel compelled to hide their true selves behind this persona, which thrives on submission, caretaking, and self-neglect. The Imposter Persona makes them feel indispensable, yet unseen and unfulfilled.
The irony is that while these behaviors aim to protect them from rejection or abandonment, they often lead to the opposite—resentment, frustration, and disconnection. For example, in one case, a client named Mark found that his constant efforts to please his partner led to his partner feeling overwhelmed and even manipulated, which ultimately caused a rift between them.
How Therapeutic Relationship Coaching Makes a Difference
In my practice, I’ve seen firsthand how therapeutic relationship coaching can help clients break free from the Self-Sacrifice Set. Here’s how:
- Identifying Patterns: Through our sessions, I help clients like Maria, John, and Lisa recognize their patterns of submitting, caretaking, and self-neglect. By bringing these unconscious behaviors into awareness, they can understand where these habits originate and how they’ve shaped their relationship dynamics.
- Building Self-Awareness: Coaching encourages clients to reflect on the beliefs and fears driving their behaviors. For instance, John learned that his caretaking stemmed from a deep-seated fear of abandonment rooted in childhood experiences. By identifying these triggers, clients can develop a deeper understanding of their emotional responses.
- Developing Healthy Boundaries: One of the most transformative aspects of coaching is learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries. I guide clients in establishing clear boundaries that protect their well-being and foster mutual respect in their relationships. This was particularly effective for Lisa, who began prioritizing her needs alongside her partner’s, resulting in a more balanced relationship dynamic.
- Enhancing Communication Skills: Clients often struggle to express their needs and feelings effectively. Through coaching, they learn to move beyond submission and caretaking and instead engage in open, honest, and constructive dialogue with their partners. This was a breakthrough for Maria, who found that asserting her preferences led to a more fulfilling relationship.
- Fostering Authentic Connections: Ultimately, therapeutic coaching helps clients shed the Imposter Persona and embrace their Authentic Selves. This shift allows them to engage more genuinely in their relationships, fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect.
Embracing a Healthier Path Forward
Breaking free from the Self-Sacrifice Set and the grips of the Imposter Persona isn’t easy. It requires commitment, patience, and the willingness to face uncomfortable truths. However, with the right tools and support, such as therapeutic relationship coaching, it is possible to transform these dysfunctional behaviors into healthier ways of relating. By letting go of the facade and embracing authenticity, clients can create relationships that are balanced, fulfilling, and rooted in genuine connection.
If you’re ready to break free from patterns that no longer serve you and step into a more empowered, authentic way of being, therapeutic relationship coaching might be the next step in your journey. Remember, creating healthier, more meaningful relationships starts with the courage to change and the commitment to grow.
Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist, Author, Leadership Coach
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